


Heart Is A Hole

by Anonymous



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Angst, Chelsea stalker fan thing, Crush, Depression, F/M, Gen, Loneliness, M/M, Post-Split, Pray For The Wicked, References to Depression, Ryan is a sad motherfucker, Ryan-centric, Sad, This was written at school, this sucks, title is from song of the same name
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 05:01:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14561427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: I guess you could say Ryan thinks of Brendon sometimes.





	Heart Is A Hole

Do you know how hard it is to carry on after leaving somebody you love more than yourself? For me, it was Brendon Urie. He was my true love, even if I wasn’t his. My everything. But now I don’t have him. I live alone now. In a small tiny town in California. With my dog and cat. I had to move from L.A because of a crazy fan who showed up at my house one day. I swear my fans want to kill me sometimes.   
After Panic! I had my band, The Young Veins, but all of the panic fans just kept comparing it to Pretty. Odd. and my other music.   
So I stopped making music.   
I know Brendon still is living his dream. I’m not mad at him. This was all my fault. If I hadn’t told him my feelings for him we could be together on the Pray For The Wicked tour, touring all around the world.   
But instead I’m all alone.   
I don’t date anybody currently, that’s because my fans can’t know my biggest secret. If you couldn’t tell, I’m not into girls. I’m into...boys. But if they knew then that would confirm ryden being real and, well..that would be hell.   
Lucky Brendon. He found Sarah.   
A lot of people say that Sarah was a rebound, or a gold digger, or whatever. But that’s not true. I have met her a few times, and Brendon already has his heart with her before I could do anything. He had her before I could have him. If only I had told my feelings for him before he met her, God, we could be holding hands and doing couplely things and be together and not as friends, but as a couple. Hell, we could even be married for all I know, but love is like a game. I waited too long and he found somebody else. I would do anything just to be friends with him at this point. I need Brendon Urie in my life, but I lost him.   
You’re probably thinking “why not call him?”   
Well, I tried to before and that ruined any chance of us talking again. It turned out the Brendon I had been talking to for months wasn’t Brendon, but a fan. The same one who went to my house. When I found out, I was mortified to say the least. I couldn’t believe how fucking dumb I had been. Brendon at some point found out what happened, and neither of us have talked.  
I was so embarrassed I just didn’t go online.  
My fans also found out what happened, so I mainly stayed at my house and let my jackass manager, Shane Morris, control me.   
While all this shit happened, Brendon was on his tour for Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die. I knew that. I tend to go offline as well if a new Panic! album is dropping, because I know people will just ask my opinion. And I don’t want them to know that I love his new music. Or that I still think about Brendon. Or that my world revolves around Brendon. The man I haven’t talked to in 9 fucking years. It hurts.   
It also hurts when I turn on the alternative station to hear the radio host talk about Brendon’s new music. I remember his exact words.   
“Panic! at The Disco’s newest song, Say Amen, just dropped an hour ago. We’re gonna be having Brendon himself on later this night, so stayed tuned. Amazing song, take a listen”   
I don’t listen to my radio much anymore. Everything reminds me of him. And there is one question keeps me up at night:  
Does he still think about me?


End file.
